Confrontation. It’s hard, it’s messy, but it’s needed.
So how do you give constructive criticism to someone in a way that isn’t rejected? I’m going to present a method to give it in a way that makes the other person feel like “Hey, I’m doing a good job, I just need to work on a few things” rather than “I’m a piece of crap and I need to go move back in with my mommy.”
It’s called the Feedback Sandwich.
It’s as simple as this: Begin with a praise. Give the critique. Then end with a praise.
But…be careful not to turn the feedback sandwich into a “You’re Awesome. You suck. You’re Awesome.” There needs to be balance in what you say.
The format goes: “Name, praise; YET (never say but) critique. If this happens, that praise will be even more praise-y, because you are so praise-y.” (See? lots of praise!)
Here are some examples:
Have a volunteer who never tells you when they’re coming or not coming? Joe, our teens really love you and get so excited when you are here; yet, you can be here so randomly that even I don’t know when you’re coming. If you can give me a schedule or just let me know when you can’t be here, we can work together in harvesting your gifts so that we are more effective and can reach more kids and impact the Kingdom.
Have a student leader who is struggling with some sin? Jane, you are a natural-born leader and your peers really look up to you; yet, they can see that you are struggling with this sin. If you push through and don’t let it hold you back, you can be a even greater example of perseverance and strength to your friends.
Have a pastor who is micromanaging you? James, I love that you are so invested in our ministry and that you’re not one of those pastors who sits and the sidelines and doesn’t care; yet, I feel like I want to be given a chance to do things more independently. If I succeed, your validation of me will mean the world, plus it will give you a chance to focus on tasks that really need it.
Sometimes it can be hard to find something praise-worthy about that person. One of the wonderful people in my life who disciple me recently told me, “Sometimes, even if we can’t stand a person, we need to focus on the good traits they have–traits that remind of us God’s traits.” God is creative, loving, consistent, vocal, active, and countless more wonderful things. We are made in his image, and sometimes we need to remind each other of how we resemble God. What better compliment is that?
And remember, this isn’t fool-proof. There will be those people who reject critique in every single form and who don’t do well in confrontation. I think that’s when you need to go all Matthew 18 on them. Good luck.
Now…go make me a sandwich.