Sex is not the “be all end all” of marriage. I said it. I’m a dude. I know…right?
Don’t get me wrong here…I love sex. In the confines of marriage, sex is fantastic and I believe God totally approves of healthy sex lives. For a guy, sex can be what DEFINES intimacy in marriage. If we have a lot of sex, we’re liable to answer that we’re doing great with our spouse. If we’re going through a dry patch, we’re more likely to say that things aren’t going so well. Men use sex as a barometer of goodness. Women do not.
As pastors, we’re accustomed to leading others in our flock. We go out of our way to remember things that will deposit “I appreciate you” coins into volunteer love tanks. Typically, most of us are good at it. We remember those things.
But, you know what? We can forget to be a spiritual leader at home. We can forget to love our spouse. We appreciate them. We love the company and the things they do for us. But, are we showing them that we love them. I don’t love my flock the same way that I love my wife. My love for Laura is far greater than my love for students. Sometimes I don’t communicate this reality by my actions.
I realized tonight that I hadn’t told my wife that I missed her in a long time. I’m not talking about the “I’ve been gone on a mission trip and I missed you” or the “I just got back from a retreat and I missed you.” No, I’m talking about the “I went to work today and missed you.” Tonight on the way home from spending some time with friends, I looked over and told my wife, “I missed you today while I was at work.” She seemed shocked. (That’s not a good thing guys.)
The health of a marriage is not determined by how often you have sex. The health of our marriages are determined by how often we love. Here is a challenge for us bros: Spend as much time loving your wife as you do the church, your iPhone, iPad, or any other touch device. Show her that you love her. Tell her that you missed her. Speak her language.
I’m convinced that when we do this, our wives will know that:
- She’s more than just a sex object.
- We think she’s important.
- We missed her.
In doing so, we reflect Jesus to our better half.